Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Why The Internet Is Evil

Why The Internet Is Evil
No, I’m not talking about the porn, the graphic violence, or any other immoral reason bigots like to throw out there. I’m talking about the real threat, the real menace of the internet. I’m talking what actually makes every internet user around the globe cringe whenever they hit the web.

1. Pop-ups and Noisy Banner Ads
I understand website owners get their money from advertising. I understand that to advertise, they must put some form of ad on their website, and I’m willing to forgive them for the unobtrusive ads, the kind that just sit there quietly on the side or top of the page. What I do not forgive are pop-ups, and those flashy, noisy ads. The pop-ups I can bear, I just have to close them every time I click a link. But, what drives me to the brink of insanity are noisy banner ads. One second you’re quietly reading an article, or watching a video; then, a second later, you have the electronic equivalent of an annoying telemarketer screaming at you. Definitely not cool.
2. Bloggers
Don’t get me wrong here, I love reading funny articles. I have no problem whatsoever with a well written article, that happens to be displayed in blog format. But, what I do have a problem with is the “personal blogger”. These are the kind of blogs that are updated three times a day, just to let us know exactly what is going on in the blogger’s life. I don’t even want that much information about my own family, why would I want it about some stranger on the internet? This needs to stop now. A message needs to be sent to all these personal bloggers, letting them know we won’t stand for it any longer. No, we don’t care what you had for lunch. No, we don’t care that your cat is cute (of course it is, they all are). And, we definitely don’t want to read your haiku on life. Get over yourself bloggers, you’re not that important, and you’re not special like your mother told you.
3. YouTube
Now, I love watching funny videos just as much as the next guy, but the users of YouTube have gone too far. Suddenly, for the first time in history, anybody can produce, direct, and star in their own movie, and make it available to the public. This would be similar to network television deciding to give everyone their own TV show, the idea is just ridiculous. Most people just aren’t that interesting. It’s a sad world when thousands of people not only have the time, but the inclination to post a video highlighting their trip to the dentist’s office. I’m not making this up, go to YouTube, type “dentist” in the search box; at the time this was written, it returned 5,420 results. Enough Said.
4. Grammar
Somehow the internet gained the power to single-handedly destroy the English language. Somewhere along the line it became unnecessary to use punctuation. Then, it was okay to shorten words to type faster. Then, it was okay to start to substitute numbers for letters, the classic “1337 5P33K.” And, now, you don’t even need to be coherent. Go to any forum on the web, or read the comments for any post, and you’ll undoubtedly run across someone saying something like this: “if these mofo's actually doin stuff physically y dey movin in slow mo?dere a fisical law sez u gotta move so slow mo on the moon?wtf in those suits of theres,friggin lead?which even if it wuz wud b one six the wgt on the surface of the moon right?wtf.” You can thank Xylofish1 over at YouTube for that one; it’s his comment on the “fake” moon landing.
5. StumbleUpon
I have a kind of love/hate relationship with StumbleUpon. While I believe it’s the best web application ever made, allowing me to find websites I never would have found otherwise, I also know it is inherently evil. Why? Well, if you came to this article while “Stumbling,” then you know why. StumbleUpon has the unique ability to instantly give its users horrible, horrible insomnia. You will, undoubtedly, spend an entire night stumbling at some point in the near future, if you haven’t already.

Well there it is. If you were not nodding your head the entire you were reading this, then you’re either: one of those people who can’t use proper grammar, one of those people who post a YouTube video everyday, one of those people who post in their blog three times a day, or you’re a pop-up ad.
Posted by Ajay :: 9:58 AM :: 0 comments

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